First Debacle against Monterey United
Chris has agreed to field the team, which long term readers will understand is the only way this team is going to work. So, of course, your favorite blog author is doing all the work and Chris is putting up all the money. Just like old times.
First off we had to get a team together. Here is the roster going into the first week:

1. Chris
2. David
3. Andrew
4. Jacob
5. Charlie
6. Schwabby
7. Sal
8. Jurgen
9. Chris L.
   
10. Kevin
11. Bee
12. Greg
13. Wes
14. Patrick
15. Eric

Slots 16 through 18 remained empty.
Andrew and I had several discussions during the week. Andrew suggested that we play a 3 5 2 instead of the 4 4 2 that we had been playing previously. I thought this was a pretty solid idea. Here is what our 3 5 2 would look like:
I know this is a crappy image but you get the idea. Basically, with this formation we would devote half the players to offense and half the players to defense, hopefully giving us a stronger mid field in the process. We planned on putting our best athletes across the back line and then at center midfield and again at striker. This would give us an inverted T to build the team around. A strong spine and strong back line. Of course it didn't go that way.
So here is how it went down on game day: No Jacob, no Jurgen, no Greg. So one sub. Chris calls us over before the game and says that we are going to play a 4 4 2 with the following line up. Kevin at wing, yours truly at right center, Schwabby at left center, and Chris L. at left wing across the back. Good idea. Put all 287 pounds of soccer fury (me) in the middle of back line with another big guy who has never played the game before next to me. We had originally planned to have Andrew anchor the back line but Chris wanted him up, so that's what we did. I looked at Schwabby and said, "This is going to suck, we have no chance." We immediately had problems as they scored 3 quick goals by running around Schwabby and I like the big immobile people we are. Also, Schwabby's lack of experience showed as he marked up tight on men well up the field and they promptly ran around him.
After the three goals we began making changes, moving Schwabby and Chris L. and myself and Kevin so we could get some more speed in the middle. I also didn't help things because I was running the line. I told myself, "No offsides traps today." I even said it aloud to make sure not to do it. And immediately I tried for an offsides trap when one of their players streaked by us. I turned around wondering why the whistle wasn't blown when the ball was passed and I saw Chris L. about 20 yards downfield behind us, covering no one. Chase chase chase, Gooooaaaaaalllll! Montery United. Undaunted I told Chris L. to stay up with me (which he did very well!) but the next play, Schwabby was running with the man instead of stepping up. Chase chase chase Goooooaaaalllll! Monterey United. I tried the offsides trap one more time, I guess because I'm stupid with another goal as the result. Monterey United got called for offsides once during the game.
Early on, I also dished out some punishment. I may not be a fast man or a great soccer player, but I do know how to hit people. Sal was in at right wing on the back, kicked at the ball very late and caught all ankle on their star striker. He went down screaming about his bad ankle...wah wah wah. I filed away this very important information. A couple of minutes later I found myself a step or two behind this forward and as I chased he took a shot on goal, missing wide. I continued running straight and as he veered in I gave him a shoulder. Now I could have let up but I didn't I shouldered into this guy and put him on the ground and as I found myself stumbing over him, I made sure to stomp on each of his ankles. He screamed again and took a while to get up. I muttered that I was sorry and ran off. But I wasn't.
One other incident of note happened during this game. The other forward was a very small guy and as I was tired of people running by us, I pulled out another old trick and dusted it off. One of my favorite things to do is find a halfback or forward looking back for the ball to played through and then work my way around into his blind spot between him and the goal. The ball gets played ahead and the player turns to go downfield but he finds his old friend Dave, all 287 pounds of soccer fury posted up between him and where he wants to go. I just stand my ground and lower a shoulder. Since I have posted up so close to him, he only gets a step or two before I send him to the ground. It's beautiful because the play is usually across the field when this happens so no one sees except for the player and I. It goes like this: Player looks upfield, I post up, he takes a step down field accelerating and begins to turn his head, I lower a shoulder and grin, he collides with me and then collides with the ground, beautiful.
Well, I pulled the "old classic" as Dan the asian halfback would say on this poor bastard and sent him to the turf. Like a lot of the whiney babies out there he began to yell and complain. I pulled my usual trot off and act like nothing happened but I didn't like a certain look in the referee's eye, so I said, "He ran into me." This infuriated the other player. I told him, "Please stop running into me, I don't want you to hurt me." He didn't like that either. He made several comments about me needing to lose a 100 pounds which was totally silly because I only need to lose like 80 pounds. Then when I made the comment about him hurting me he said, "I will hurt you, I don't care if you weigh a hundred pounds more than me or not!" I looked at him, smiled and said, "You can try," before turning my back on him. The ball had gone out for a corner kick. The other player moved around behind me and my only worry was that he would kick me in my right ankle which is severely sprained and hurts something fierce.
But I had nothing to worry about. As the ball came in, the player ran at me jumped in the air and buried his arms in my back with all of his might. I sort of twitched a little, I guess. It was like a ten year old girl trying to push me. Of course I began to yell, "Oh my God! Did you see that!?" Chris tried to calm me down as the play was blown dead. "David calm down, they'll give you a yellow card for running your mouth like that." I replied, "I'm just shocked! I thought there was a man behind me but it felt like a ten year old girl just pushed me in the back!" The ref came running over and asked us if we wanted him to babysit for the rest of the game and I replied no quite loudly and told him that I had no need of a babysitter.
Well after that my fun was done for the game and we went down to a 14 - 0 loss. It was good ol' pathetic Gunners soccer but the hits keep on comin!
- posted by David @ 9/17/2006 07:20:00 PM